Tag Archives: feelings

Words

I want to pour my heart out
Reveal all the ways I love you
To be like the movies
Where the light dims down
Tears are shed
And we cling to one another
To be like a book
Where happiness is just the beginning
The story always continuing
And words fit right in
To be like the old couple
Where a glance shares it all
Memories create smiles
And silence is perfection
I want to pour my heart out
Reveal all the ways I love you
But, how should I say it
Should I tell you about your quirks?
How they drive me mad
But, if I ever was blind
I would know it was you
Should I tell you about your words?
How they cut me deep
But, if I ever was deaf
I would know what you would say
Or, maybe, I should keep it simple?
Make a list perhaps
Like a young teen in love
I don’t know what would be first though
The coffee on your breath
Or the burning calmness of your touch
I don’t know what to do
I want to tell you everything
But, I know you’re tired
It’s been a long day
So, for now, I guess I’ll settle with
I love you

© 2018 Jessica Santos

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Bedtime

Late at night after work
You come over and curl up in bed
With me held in your arms
And the lights turned down
We share our day
And right before you drift off
You ask what I missed the most
And though you can’t see me
I close my eyes and smile
Breathing you in
As I hold you even closer
Thinking of our little moment
Where your breath touches my skin
Your hand reaches around my chest
Your warmth radiates on me
Your subtle twitches rub against my legs
And that happy feeling bubbles from within
By now, I know you’re about to fall asleep
So, I kiss your lips
Keeping the answer to myself
Even though I may have just given it away

© 2017 Jessica Santos

Never Meant To

It was never my intention to hurt you
I never meant to cause you pain
But now your tears weigh heavy on my chest
It’s like a ton of bricks pressing down
All I wanted was to tell you
How I truly felt inside
And though I may be clever with words
It is clear that I’m still learning
Cause my heart and mind are not one
For it’s true
It’s hard for me to open up
To show you how I really feel
I’ve always been afraid
But I know what I feel for you
And it kills me to see you this way
It was never my intention to hurt you
I never meant to cause you pain
But, now your tears weigh heavy on my chest
It’s like a ton of bricks pressing down
And though you ask for your space
I beg of you don’t push me away
Just tell me the truth
Help me learn
Give me your heart to mend
Because it was never my intention to hurt you
I never meant to cause you pain
Joy and laughter are the only things
That should grace your face
No tear of sadness to stain
So please don’t push me away
Please see my flaw
And help guide me on our way

© 2017 Jessica Santos

Hear Us, Love Us, Rescue Me

America’s greatest holiday and he’s away. Away on vacation with a family of his own? Some may consider it as such others call it his duty and right.

Meanwhile, I lie awake at night tossing and turning. I haven’t heard from him and I don’t expect to not for the next few days at least. You see, we’re on a schedule. Only once a week am I graced with his scruffy quiet voice as he whispers into my ear. But that’s only through an earpiece.

Seeing each other would be catastrophic and not for us but for the family who depends on him. The weight of the world is on his shoulders and I wouldn’t wish that feeling on my worst of enemies. It destroys a being, makes them lose their self. The small glimpses I see of him, I see the struggle.

Secretly, he wants to run away to the coast or to the tippy top of a mountain far from the demands of another. But, his knapsack holds him back. It’s filled with the memories and keepsakes of thousands depending on him.

So, he can’t come at my beck and call. He can’t lay by my side at peace. But, together, on opposite sides of the world, we can stare into the sky looking at the same sun, the same moon where I will pray for the slightest ease of pain that he may feel from a blast only feet away. And he will pray for the silence that the world must beg for.

Maybe together, he’ll come home someday.

Until then, I keep the porch light on and the bed warm so that when he does return, he’s more than welcomed to rest his weary spirit.

© 2017 Jessica Santos

2016: A Year for Health

This morning I awoke with the full intent to go to the mall and walk amongst the hundreds of people rushing around. They would think that I was like them doing some last minute christmas shopping but it’s not true. I actually would be there as a method of distraction from my own problems.

My day did not go as planned though. Instead, I went through fits of depression and anxiety. The only time I wasn’t crying was when I buried myself in funny little clips on YouTube. I could only be distracted for a few videos though before I began staring at the clock.

Watching the hands tick by, I was reminded of how slow and how fast time could be. It only seemed like yesterday was January but I blink and see that my phone flashes the code “DEC”. I look at the hour hand though and pray for it to spin around faster.

Meanwhile, there’s a stinging itch and temperature flux as my body reminds me of the ailments that afflict it. I call my doctor for some medication and as soon as we hang up, I burst in tears.

Then, before I know it, my fingers dial a number that is permanently seared into my brain, my mother. She answers and immediately asks, “What’s wrong?” But, all she hears are my quiet sobs as the realization slowly hits me.

At this point, I’m staring at the pill bottles lining my dresser drawer and the calendar on my laptops bright white screen.

Through the tears and desperation, I hear my mom’s clear voice ring out demanding an answer. She’s not the type who coddles or speaks all too kindly to one so damaged. So, I swallow the frog in my throat and as fresh air inflates my lungs, the truth spills out.

It’s a truth that I’ve been holding back afraid that the two closest people would walk away from me. As I pour those words out into the empty space before me, I realize how ridiculous my fear is.

For the entirety of this year, 2016, I have either been sick, in pain or tensed and ready for a new wave. I hardly received a break long enough to relax weary muscles or grow mentally. Even now, I’m fighting for my health.

No one should have to live like this where you can’t even remember the last time you were healthy and not in fear of some crippling recurring pain.

But, I’m not sharing this to gain any wishes or long overdue phone calls. I’m okay. I promise I’m taking my medication and actively seeking a solution. I no longer stare at sharp objects begging for it all to end.

I stare at the mirror now. I hardly recognize myself and I haven’t even started taking the one medication that is life altering. But, I know that I’ll be okay. After all, I have a mother who can be so distant  but when I need her she knows exactly what to do and instantly awakens from her slumber charging at any threat. And, I have my best friend, my partner who is busy working hard but never forgets to give me the constant patience and understanding that I need even in the darkest of storms.

My whole world is far from what I imagined and hoped it would be but nothing always goes as planned. You can fall and cry. You can even get lost and muddy along the way. No matter what though, you can’t stop. You’ve come this far and there’s still a whole lot more that is left unknown. So you’ll be okay and don’t forget those fighting alongside you. They’ve come this far with you too and that must mean something so focus on the road of recovery because they’re not going anywhere and neither should you.

© 2016 Jessica Santos