Tag Archives: fear

Six Feet Under

Oh, dear Mother
Six feet under
And nobody cared
Yet now the ground shakes
And the old are reborn
White hats fill these streets
Marching from door to door
“Recite the truth!”
“All hail the blood of the pure!”
“The blond toupe is our messiah!”
Yet these shouts aren’t the only fear
Your mighty winds have turned loose
Your floodgates are now broken
Oh, dear Mother, save us
We cry not for our self
Not for our children
For the skeletons have escaped
Someone left the closet door open
And none can contain
The guards have been recruited
Only to cry among us
Oh, dear Mother
Six feet under they were
Now here we lay
In our self made grave

© 2017 Jessica Santos

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2016: A Year for Health

This morning I awoke with the full intent to go to the mall and walk amongst the hundreds of people rushing around. They would think that I was like them doing some last minute christmas shopping but it’s not true. I actually would be there as a method of distraction from my own problems.

My day did not go as planned though. Instead, I went through fits of depression and anxiety. The only time I wasn’t crying was when I buried myself in funny little clips on YouTube. I could only be distracted for a few videos though before I began staring at the clock.

Watching the hands tick by, I was reminded of how slow and how fast time could be. It only seemed like yesterday was January but I blink and see that my phone flashes the code “DEC”. I look at the hour hand though and pray for it to spin around faster.

Meanwhile, there’s a stinging itch and temperature flux as my body reminds me of the ailments that afflict it. I call my doctor for some medication and as soon as we hang up, I burst in tears.

Then, before I know it, my fingers dial a number that is permanently seared into my brain, my mother. She answers and immediately asks, “What’s wrong?” But, all she hears are my quiet sobs as the realization slowly hits me.

At this point, I’m staring at the pill bottles lining my dresser drawer and the calendar on my laptops bright white screen.

Through the tears and desperation, I hear my mom’s clear voice ring out demanding an answer. She’s not the type who coddles or speaks all too kindly to one so damaged. So, I swallow the frog in my throat and as fresh air inflates my lungs, the truth spills out.

It’s a truth that I’ve been holding back afraid that the two closest people would walk away from me. As I pour those words out into the empty space before me, I realize how ridiculous my fear is.

For the entirety of this year, 2016, I have either been sick, in pain or tensed and ready for a new wave. I hardly received a break long enough to relax weary muscles or grow mentally. Even now, I’m fighting for my health.

No one should have to live like this where you can’t even remember the last time you were healthy and not in fear of some crippling recurring pain.

But, I’m not sharing this to gain any wishes or long overdue phone calls. I’m okay. I promise I’m taking my medication and actively seeking a solution. I no longer stare at sharp objects begging for it all to end.

I stare at the mirror now. I hardly recognize myself and I haven’t even started taking the one medication that is life altering. But, I know that I’ll be okay. After all, I have a mother who can be so distant  but when I need her she knows exactly what to do and instantly awakens from her slumber charging at any threat. And, I have my best friend, my partner who is busy working hard but never forgets to give me the constant patience and understanding that I need even in the darkest of storms.

My whole world is far from what I imagined and hoped it would be but nothing always goes as planned. You can fall and cry. You can even get lost and muddy along the way. No matter what though, you can’t stop. You’ve come this far and there’s still a whole lot more that is left unknown. So you’ll be okay and don’t forget those fighting alongside you. They’ve come this far with you too and that must mean something so focus on the road of recovery because they’re not going anywhere and neither should you.

© 2016 Jessica Santos

Hide and Seek

“Ready or not here I come!” he shouted as he opened his eyes and found me patiently sitting beside him.

Confused, he asked, “Aren’t you suppose to be hiding?”

Shrugging, I curled up beside him and pushed my back against his chest making him fall on to the bed and wrap his arms around me.

“I am hiding,” I said resting my head against his beating heart.

I heard the thunderous booming of his chuckling as he playfully teased, “I think you’ve forgotten how to play the game then.”

I shook my head, “When I was little, I was so tiny that I could fit inside the smallest space and hide away from the world…”

He lightly kissed the top of my head momentarily distracting me before I continued, “But now, with you, I feel like I shine brighter than the sun. So the greatest spot to hide would be right here in your arms.”

Kissing me softly on the lips, he looked at me curiously then covered my eyes and whispered, “Your turn.”

I sighed and closed my eyes. As he left the room, I began to count in my own darkness. I listened intently to hear his footsteps but not a sound was made. When I finally finished, I opened my eyes and searched the house.

I entered every room looking behind curtains, under beds, behind doors where I checked closets and hundreds of boxes holding our new furniture.

But, I couldn’t find him.

We only recently bought the house so there wasn’t much to hide around. So where could he be?

After searching and searching I returned to our room where my eyes rested on our orchid that sat on the windowsill. I smiled and walked over to its delicate resting place. Touching the sturdy leaves, I looked out into the street and giggled.

Dashing down the stairs and out the front door, I saw him sitting on a bench across the street in front of our neighbor’s yard.

He must have felt my gaze and looked up at me causing our eyes to momentarily meet. He smiled and beckoned me to join him.

Quickly, I snatched the keys we had left on top of an unopened box in the yard and joined him. He stood up and hugged me tight kissing my forehead before grabbing my hand and leading me down the street saying, “There is no best hiding spot as long as one is always looking.”

© 2016 Jessica Santos

I’m Here Old Friend

“Just let it go. But, how can I? Nothing is the same any more.”

Now, I’m not afraid of the change. I’m more afraid of what I know to be true. They say the truth hurts but the truth hardly ever surprises me except this time…

At first, I thought it was anger. Then, my day went on and as I focused on how to get rid of it, I realized how wrong I was. It wasn’t anger at all. Instead, it was pain and sadness.

I don’t typically cry to express these two emotions. It tends to brew and hide itself under a false sense of anger which explains my confusion. (If I were to cry, that is usually out of relief.) So, knowing this, I know I’m not ready to let go.

I’m not ready because I don’t want to see my best friend in his last best suit. And the most painful part is knowing that he’s suffering. He use to be someone I sought for comfort. He was my protector, my guide and my right hand.

So, how am I suppose to let it go when the biggest question in my mind is what can I possibly do to help even though I know there is nothing I nor anyone else can do?

© 2016 Jessica Santos

Broke

Thats the thing
Sometimes it fades away
Sometimes its just lost
No one wants to believe it
So we fight
Give it our all
Trying to change
But that doesn’t happen overnight
It takes time
Which is ironic
When it began with a split decision
Yet, here we are
Where day after day has piled up
Slowly spilling over the brim
Before finally breaking through
And rushing out

© 2016 Jessica Santos