Tag Archives: emotions

I’m Here Old Friend

“Just let it go. But, how can I? Nothing is the same any more.”

Now, I’m not afraid of the change. I’m more afraid of what I know to be true. They say the truth hurts but the truth hardly ever surprises me except this time…

At first, I thought it was anger. Then, my day went on and as I focused on how to get rid of it, I realized how wrong I was. It wasn’t anger at all. Instead, it was pain and sadness.

I don’t typically cry to express these two emotions. It tends to brew and hide itself under a false sense of anger which explains my confusion. (If I were to cry, that is usually out of relief.) So, knowing this, I know I’m not ready to let go.

I’m not ready because I don’t want to see my best friend in his last best suit. And the most painful part is knowing that he’s suffering. He use to be someone I sought for comfort. He was my protector, my guide and my right hand.

So, how am I suppose to let it go when the biggest question in my mind is what can I possibly do to help even though I know there is nothing I nor anyone else can do?

© 2016 Jessica Santos

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Call for an End, for a Beginning

I don’t typically do this but I’m going to use the cliche “there’s always a first” to start. All of my mentors whether young or old have told me in some form or another that life is a roller coaster. I always believed them and I still do. Not once do I question my mentor’s teachings.

Here’s another cliche: “no one passes through life unscathed.” And one more…”everyone has a story, a lesson, a moral.” So as you can tell or already know, I’m filled with cliches, old sayings and popular teachings of the “golden” days. This isn’t because I’m wise or have experienced the most for a person of my age but I listen.

During the few family gatherings, instead of sitting with the little kids glued to the television, I seek out the individuals conversing, sharing stories and actually having some form of interaction. As I listen to their conversations, I can’t help but smile and revel in where I am.

You know those popular questions that surface when there is doubt?

Am I living my life how I should? Am I missing something? Why haven’t I reached a revelation yet?

Well, I ask myself these questions but it’s all for a waste of time.

In life, I am exactly where I should be, facing the challenges I need to face and dealing with the ups and downs in the best way available for me. What I endure is no less or greater than others, it simply is my own. Everyone gets casted from their family. Everyone gets heartbroken. Everyone receives a life crippling pain. But no one experiences or learns from it in quite the same manner.

When I was a little girl, my parents would push me academically and socially to no end. Eventually, as school grew harder, the importance of academics outweighed my social life and they encouraged a sharper focus on school.

One may begin to think that I ended up “hating” school but what happened was quite the opposite. I ended up loving to learn. I find that a part of being human is to have the ability to learn and grow no matter the age.

Often, my father would sit me down with my brother and we would pour over COLLEGE level textbooks. Don’t get me wrong, it was rough and a struggle and it didn’t help that he would get frustrated like any other and exert his frustration in the form of yelling but I can’t blame him.

Now that I’m a tutor and mentor for others, I understand and feel his frustration but use my experience with him to guide me into being a better teacher for future generations.

However, at the time, those lessons with him were exhausting and purely resulted in me gaining an exuberant amount of knowledge at the price of being afraid.

For years, I worked hard in my academics just to please and satisfy others instead of myself because I didn’t believe in myself. Rather, I believed that I would amount to nothing and go no where.

I was lost, confused and afraid.

Then one day, I got my “Hogwart’s” letter saying I’ve been accepted into some college and it is here where one may think that was the day I stopped feeling lost but no. People congratulated me and said a job well done but I still didn’t believe in myself. I still worked hard for others.

It wasn’t until the end of my second year in college that I began to realize how great I truly am. A grade, a congratulations, a pat on the back was only a fool’s goal. The real goal is in the act of doing and accomplishing.

By working hard, learning, and gaining, I am succeeding. I am getting somewhere.

With this realization, I began to have a voice. I spoke up; but, to my disbelief, by speaking up, I ended up losing several connections that I thought the world of. All summer I lived in a struggle between what I thought was there and what really was there.

As the new school year began, those connections still remained mangled on the floor by my bed in a pool of tears. I started to believe that those connections would remain there but then I received a major accomplishment.

Obviously, the first people I wanted to tell was my partner and my mom but I also wanted to tell the individuals at the end of those crippled bridges. So did I? Nope.

I remained just as stubborn as those individuals who could not accept who I am and what I feel now. Yet, days passed and I found myself thinking back upon them more than I would like to admit.

It wasn’t until one morning I awoke and a voice over my shoulder told me to stop being stubborn and to focus on my own enjoyment that I realized I hadn’t quite learned to live in the moment just yet.

So here I am taking a long winding path to say that I am still learning and I am still hurting but I’m willing to mend. Only this time, it didn’t take fear to teach me this lesson but love.

As my day approaches, I can only hope that my out reached hand won’t be rejected; and once it is grasped those connections will begin to believe in me too. Because, at the end of the day, the life I’ve lived so far is not half bad. It has its ups and downs but more importantly it has its lessons. And it is with those lessons taught by the very people who destroyed those bridges that I have grown to believe in myself. So why not grow with me and believe in myself the way I believe bridges can be mended?

© 2015 Jessica Santos

A Guide to My Emotional Being

Here’s the simple truth: I am emotional, but not because it is my choice. I didn’t once ask or decide for this phenomenon. It was given to me. Why? I have no idea. Your guess is better than mine. But I do know a couple things:

1) When I cry, I don’t always need to hear of how emotional I can be or how I need to suck it up. In fact, sometimes, I just want to cry. I get no thrill or buzz from it, but it’s what I want and, sometimes, it’s what I need.

2) Remember that time I got mad? I flared up over the smallest thing and it seemed like I was starting a fight? It was actually an accumulation of things. I don’t always voice my feelings or my thoughts at every single instance of my frustration. If I were to do that, then I wouldn’t ever get anywhere. So when that happens, don’t ask if it’s that time of the month or what’s wrong with me. I can promise you that you are only adding fuel to the fire. Instead, just take it. Yeah, I may hurt you, but give me the space to cool off and then approach me and ask if I’m ok. I promise I’ll spill my guts out.

3) Talking about spilling my guts, there are moments where I’m just not in the mood. I can be obvious about having a bad day, but when I’m asked what’s wrong, I’ll just play it off. It’s not because I’m lying or because I don’t want to talk about it. Trust me, I really do want to talk. I just only want to talk to someone whose going to listen and be on my side no matter what.

4) Then there’s that random moment out of no where that I call, text and demand to be at your side and in your arms. I know it sounds crazy, irrational and ridiculous considering how busy, tired or frustrated you may be; but it is in those moments where I just need you there. I admit that I’m not dying or hurt in any way, but it almost feels like something is missing from my being. And the only way it can be fixed is by being with you. This does NOT make me clingy or needy. I just want to be with you. Take it as a compliment that without you in my world, I can feel like bull.

5) Not only can I be random in needing your physical attention but I can also just be random PERIOD. First thing in the morning, I can be incredibly happy and filled with smiles. It almost looks like I’m some cheerleader for the morning wake up call. But then somehow, within an hour, the curve of my mouth drops and I can look like the saddest puppy in a box. Yet that’s not the end of it! Give it an hour or two and I’ll be back on my feet ready to rock and roll, only to swiftly get angry then hurt then sad and needy before I’m back to where I was earlier in the day. At this point, let’s say I woke up at 9 A.M., it’s only lunch and I’ve already gone through enough feels to last a guy a month or two. It is so exhausting and draining. I personally don’t look forward to those days any more than you do. But hey, sometimes you just have to ride it out and be patient with me. I’ll find my way back to being the old me. My emotions are just on a temporary fritz.

6) Don’t let me forget the times where I’ve called you out and said that you hardly do anything romantic for me! Though, at times, you seriously don’t do ANYTHING… But hey, I’m just in a current stage where I need some attention. Be careful though! If you do give me something that very day or within a couple days after I’ve said this, then be warned that I will probably blame you for “doing it only because I said it and so it is not sincere”.

7) Now, this may be confusing to understand because it is not an emotion per say but it is an emotional moment for me. When I randomly appear to be so happy as to almost be annoying and pout when I’m ignored, DON’T you dare push me away! Let me enjoy my over enthused happiness with whatever activity I decide upon acting, whether it be waking you up smiling, laughing and covering you with my body in a sleepy hug and millions of kisses or nudging you like a puppy to have your arms around me and be content with you holding me close and stroking me. Whatever I choose to do, just let me be. At the end of the day, it’ll be to your benefit as well as mine.

8) Oh and if I ask a million and one questions that are ridiculous and obviously geared towards my emotions, please answer every single one of them. It hurts to be ignored. So you know that famous question of mine: why do you love me? or was it “how do you love me”? Either way, answer the question and the hundreds of others that follow.

9) On that note, if I’ve asked you a question a million times and you seriously think I should know the answer by heart by now, then I obviously do. It’s just that the feeling and thought of knowing is so much better when it is heard. Yeah, you may get sick and tired of repeating yourself. But just suck it up and humor me for those short brief moments.

Basically, I know my emotions can be crazy, irrational and ridiculous but please bare with me. Sometimes, I don’t even like this roller coaster but the thing is that I don’t have a choice. I have to wait in that line and go on that ride from time to time.

It’s possible to blame my monthly visitor; but it’s also just as likely to blame the very fact that at times I just need to go on that ride for some weird reason that my body and unconscious knows and is unwilling to warn me about.

So the next time you realize I’m being incredibly sensitive or overly emotional, don’t call me out on it. Join me on the ride and I can promise you that once it’s over, you will score huge points from me. There’s also almost a guarantee that our connection will become stronger than before simply because you listened to me and know what I need. (Although, I did have to take the time to give you this lovely road map of my emotional chaos.)

But hey! I’m experiencing one of those moments now. So buckle up and bare with me.

© 2015 Jessica Santos

Abandoned

She flies into the heart of the stormy sky
Where it pours and drowns light
There is no escape, no exit
Lightning flashes left and right
But it leaves no white streaks
The sun battles the blackening clouds
But to no avail
A little girl shines a torch
But quickly it is blown out
Nothing can stop this mighty force
Winds across the seas whip the water
Oceans churn with great power
Collapsing all ships
Masking all sails
There is no lighthouse
The keeper has long left
Taken over by the webs and chilling shrieks of gulls
There is no hope for a return
None at all can win the Great Lady back
What was said is what shall be
A force to reckon with
And a battle never won by you

– Jessica Santos
© 2014 Jessica Santos