Tag Archives: beauty

Honey

He wants me to write
About the bees
How they cease to buzz
How we need to act
Maybe build a farm
Create a complete environment

He says they need certain flowers
Something to do with nutrition
Or surviving the cold
To embrace their full potential
But, he continues to babble

He talks about their reproduction
How they are maternally run
So my mouth opens to respond
But, he carries on

My gaze has shifted though
Outside the window a bee passes
Soon followed by another
They whiz by in a sort of dance
Calling to me
Beckoning to join its picture perfect frame

I tap the glass
Feel its warmth
And while his back is turned
I leap through the screen

© 2016 Jessica Santos

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Call for an End, for a Beginning

I don’t typically do this but I’m going to use the cliche “there’s always a first” to start. All of my mentors whether young or old have told me in some form or another that life is a roller coaster. I always believed them and I still do. Not once do I question my mentor’s teachings.

Here’s another cliche: “no one passes through life unscathed.” And one more…”everyone has a story, a lesson, a moral.” So as you can tell or already know, I’m filled with cliches, old sayings and popular teachings of the “golden” days. This isn’t because I’m wise or have experienced the most for a person of my age but I listen.

During the few family gatherings, instead of sitting with the little kids glued to the television, I seek out the individuals conversing, sharing stories and actually having some form of interaction. As I listen to their conversations, I can’t help but smile and revel in where I am.

You know those popular questions that surface when there is doubt?

Am I living my life how I should? Am I missing something? Why haven’t I reached a revelation yet?

Well, I ask myself these questions but it’s all for a waste of time.

In life, I am exactly where I should be, facing the challenges I need to face and dealing with the ups and downs in the best way available for me. What I endure is no less or greater than others, it simply is my own. Everyone gets casted from their family. Everyone gets heartbroken. Everyone receives a life crippling pain. But no one experiences or learns from it in quite the same manner.

When I was a little girl, my parents would push me academically and socially to no end. Eventually, as school grew harder, the importance of academics outweighed my social life and they encouraged a sharper focus on school.

One may begin to think that I ended up “hating” school but what happened was quite the opposite. I ended up loving to learn. I find that a part of being human is to have the ability to learn and grow no matter the age.

Often, my father would sit me down with my brother and we would pour over COLLEGE level textbooks. Don’t get me wrong, it was rough and a struggle and it didn’t help that he would get frustrated like any other and exert his frustration in the form of yelling but I can’t blame him.

Now that I’m a tutor and mentor for others, I understand and feel his frustration but use my experience with him to guide me into being a better teacher for future generations.

However, at the time, those lessons with him were exhausting and purely resulted in me gaining an exuberant amount of knowledge at the price of being afraid.

For years, I worked hard in my academics just to please and satisfy others instead of myself because I didn’t believe in myself. Rather, I believed that I would amount to nothing and go no where.

I was lost, confused and afraid.

Then one day, I got my “Hogwart’s” letter saying I’ve been accepted into some college and it is here where one may think that was the day I stopped feeling lost but no. People congratulated me and said a job well done but I still didn’t believe in myself. I still worked hard for others.

It wasn’t until the end of my second year in college that I began to realize how great I truly am. A grade, a congratulations, a pat on the back was only a fool’s goal. The real goal is in the act of doing and accomplishing.

By working hard, learning, and gaining, I am succeeding. I am getting somewhere.

With this realization, I began to have a voice. I spoke up; but, to my disbelief, by speaking up, I ended up losing several connections that I thought the world of. All summer I lived in a struggle between what I thought was there and what really was there.

As the new school year began, those connections still remained mangled on the floor by my bed in a pool of tears. I started to believe that those connections would remain there but then I received a major accomplishment.

Obviously, the first people I wanted to tell was my partner and my mom but I also wanted to tell the individuals at the end of those crippled bridges. So did I? Nope.

I remained just as stubborn as those individuals who could not accept who I am and what I feel now. Yet, days passed and I found myself thinking back upon them more than I would like to admit.

It wasn’t until one morning I awoke and a voice over my shoulder told me to stop being stubborn and to focus on my own enjoyment that I realized I hadn’t quite learned to live in the moment just yet.

So here I am taking a long winding path to say that I am still learning and I am still hurting but I’m willing to mend. Only this time, it didn’t take fear to teach me this lesson but love.

As my day approaches, I can only hope that my out reached hand won’t be rejected; and once it is grasped those connections will begin to believe in me too. Because, at the end of the day, the life I’ve lived so far is not half bad. It has its ups and downs but more importantly it has its lessons. And it is with those lessons taught by the very people who destroyed those bridges that I have grown to believe in myself. So why not grow with me and believe in myself the way I believe bridges can be mended?

© 2015 Jessica Santos

Clingy: The True Definition for Me

It is with my very mind that I speak but it is with my own true heart that I act. I am clingy and needy of your averting eyes but not because I need you. Do not begin to believe that you are the center of my world. But begin to know these very words I speak for they are honest and true far beyond any other:

With words, they often enter upon existence only to be left forgotten and abused. Yet with your assertive attention, my actions match what I say and it is then that these words take root.

So to those who dare announce of my constant demand for attention, I thank for taking note. You have either recognized this to be true or you take note that the physicality of presence is far more important to me than an imagined hint or assumption. It is not to say that I lack trust or belief but I prefer a constant, direct, straightforward affair between individuals in my life. Life is far too great to spend questioning every aspect; instead, it should be spent enjoying the opportunities that are brought forward.

(With this in mind, simply take note and not to heart of what I say because the fact that I’m sharing this means that I obviously do care to some degree.)

To extend on my thought, I could care less for your calming assuring voice through a phone. It is not what I want nor what I need. But a moment of touch, of caress, of contact holds deeper truth, deeper meaning. In your very presence, I see the answers I seek, I feel YOUR true assurance, not that of a phone call or of a ghostly voice that echoes in my head.

For with one’s voice, one can turn into either the greatest or worst actor/actress imaginable where both possibilities only lead to further questioning, doubt, confusion and especially frustration.

One may counter to be entirely honest with another. However, many see difficulty in expressing the absolute truth because even they do not fully understand or comprehend exactly what they feel. No one does and to say they do is a lie in and of itself. Emotions are that of a thousand masks on a Halloween night in which they are constantly morphing into another as the light source changes from moon to street lamp to sheathed window to darkness.

The best way to receive absolute honesty is to see with one’s own eyes the ultimate mask which is the “Feeler’s” face and actions. Only in complete physical presence can one see a tear shed, frustration thwarted and happiness elated.

(Please note, as we are all animals with senses, there is always a story one wishes to share even if it may be dull to one and relieving to another. It is best to take part in this natural form of humanity and bare witness to an individual’s advancement of understanding or confusion so that one may encourage or discourage a thought, process or idea before one’s private mind twists the story into a demon of its own.)

With this said, I avert my attention back to my original statement of declaring my “clinginess” and beg of you to conclude with me this lasting impression. I assert the truth that physical confrontation is best in dealing with the heart’s matters. Therefore, if I demand your presence, then take my request not in annoyance or frustration. Rather, be pleased that I wish to be with you because it only means that I desire for you to see my absolute truth in which I only show to those I deeply consider. For though I may toy with words to great lengths, my actions are my words greatest muse and it is there that one sees absolute truth.

© 2015 Jessica Santos