Tag Archives: anger

The Silent Killer is NOT (Just) Cancer

Lurking within me is a beast waiting for the right time. And like its prey, I have little to no warning of when it will emerge. But best be reassured that there is no way of escape. Like Cancer, there is no cure or way for peace; but, few seek a resolution and instead many must suffer.

Little know or have even heard of this thing that will forever control my life. To some, it is considered “the Silent Killer” and to others it is much worse as some, like myself, considered death to be a relief. The pain alone becomes so strong so as to cause one to stare lovingly, longingly at any breakable or sharp object.

Then there is one’s diet. Remember all the foods traditionally savored and enjoyed, like ice cream, cake, cookies, candy, there are even more that one must deny the pleasure of consuming. All are a special case but all crave for a whispering taste of any deliscious morsel.

And I can’t forget one of the most fought for natural right of one’s womenhood. Because if we dare to consider the thought of children, then we must prepare for a long hard battle that many fail to ever win though some do. Yet, it is through many attempts, calculations, drugs and tears that such a feat is obtained.

Do not forget though that often those who are deadly end up become secretly passed along so as many after may suffer through similar difficulties.

A sure sign of such is the taunt and glances of many upon another whose looks are not entirely of the norm. Those, like myself, are all too familiar with the daily battles against one’s own hair as this beast enjoys to lay its tail like a mustache upon our upper lip. Its hair could also be shed upon other parts of our body so as to create an art peice of its own.

But who is this artist? this mastermind? this beast? It is none other than Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.

If any knows of its slow death then it is well known that it not only gives physical torment but mental too. For how can one continue with life, when many only offer temporary aid. Is it not better to succomb to the beast’s ultimate wish? Is that the only way for relief?

© 2016 Jessica Santos

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I’m Here Old Friend

“Just let it go. But, how can I? Nothing is the same any more.”

Now, I’m not afraid of the change. I’m more afraid of what I know to be true. They say the truth hurts but the truth hardly ever surprises me except this time…

At first, I thought it was anger. Then, my day went on and as I focused on how to get rid of it, I realized how wrong I was. It wasn’t anger at all. Instead, it was pain and sadness.

I don’t typically cry to express these two emotions. It tends to brew and hide itself under a false sense of anger which explains my confusion. (If I were to cry, that is usually out of relief.) So, knowing this, I know I’m not ready to let go.

I’m not ready because I don’t want to see my best friend in his last best suit. And the most painful part is knowing that he’s suffering. He use to be someone I sought for comfort. He was my protector, my guide and my right hand.

So, how am I suppose to let it go when the biggest question in my mind is what can I possibly do to help even though I know there is nothing I nor anyone else can do?

© 2016 Jessica Santos

Pennies

Okay, here’s the deal
We want speed
But don’t forget to make it pretty
You can’t just slap it on
Call it a day
And move on
No
We don’t work like that
So you won’t either

Hurry up though
Time is ticking
Tempers are rising
They pay good money after all
The funniest part
You will only get ten an hour

How you will manage?
I do not know
To be honest
I do not care
Just clock in on time
Leave quickly
And always wear that smile
Cause if you don’t
They will know exactly how miserable you are

© 2016 Jessica Santos

Betrayal

You think you know someone
So you leave it all out
Groceries from the store
Dirty socks on the floor
Perhaps an open door
A bond has formed
To you its unbreakable
But do you really know them?
How they can quickly turn
All the while accusing you
Saying you’re shallow
Falling back on “old habits”
But what are they talking about?
Those so called habits
Only define who you are
It’s your job, your hobbies
Taking photographs
Helping others
Writing stories
So if they must question you
Why don’t you question them?
Maybe its time to close that door
Find another to explore
Just answer
So you can treasure
And search some more

© 2015 Jessica Santos

Rules

Throughout my life, I have found myself sitting and waiting on others. It wasn’t because I needed them to fulfill my life and make me happy or entertained but I was a good girl. I always listened and obeyed every wish and whim. But now I’m older and I have a decent enough mind to realize how ridiculous it is to always be good. Besides, who determines what is good and bad?

I’m living a superficial life that leads to no meaning or purpose. Doesn’t that sound rather dull and boring? So show me someone who wishes to live by the rules and wait on others. I’ll show them the door. Not the door out but a door to a new beginning, a different story, a true life.

Everyday friends and family tell me to be careful and cautious because the world is big, scary and filled with the unknowns. But why?

Isn’t part of living just more than being aware of the fear of it?

Yeah, I could be kidnapped with every person I meet but I could also find another chapter in love or maybe I’ll find that so called one person “you can’t live without”.

Yeah, I can fail and lose everything I have but don’t you have to experience the failure in order to know that you want better?

Even though I’m just beginning my trek out into the real world, I’m faced with the hardest step in life, the beginning. Everyone tells me to enjoy myself now because I’m young, able and have the time to fool around.

But if thats the case, then when is it ever appropriate?

There is no exact or rough idea of a time scale. The things that you wish or allow to happen are up to your own schedule.

So I may be young and rushing into things for some but I can say that I’ve experienced alot.

Though I may be naive with my experiences compared to others, when did life ever become a compare and contrast essay?

As a matter of fact, when did my life become everyone else’s epitome concern? What I do only affects my future because at the end of the day, the fact is that everyone eventually dies. My parents will be gone before me and even some of my friends as well. So if I keep living like a “good girl”, then what will I do once everyone is gone?

I just might as well give all of you a good story or laugh to share while you’re alive. And hey, I may actually inspire some of you to do the same.

© 2015 Jessica Santos