A Guide to My Emotional Being

Here’s the simple truth: I am emotional, but not because it is my choice. I didn’t once ask or decide for this phenomenon. It was given to me. Why? I have no idea. Your guess is better than mine. But I do know a couple things:

1) When I cry, I don’t always need to hear of how emotional I can be or how I need to suck it up. In fact, sometimes, I just want to cry. I get no thrill or buzz from it, but it’s what I want and, sometimes, it’s what I need.

2) Remember that time I got mad? I flared up over the smallest thing and it seemed like I was starting a fight? It was actually an accumulation of things. I don’t always voice my feelings or my thoughts at every single instance of my frustration. If I were to do that, then I wouldn’t ever get anywhere. So when that happens, don’t ask if it’s that time of the month or what’s wrong with me. I can promise you that you are only adding fuel to the fire. Instead, just take it. Yeah, I may hurt you, but give me the space to cool off and then approach me and ask if I’m ok. I promise I’ll spill my guts out.

3) Talking about spilling my guts, there are moments where I’m just not in the mood. I can be obvious about having a bad day, but when I’m asked what’s wrong, I’ll just play it off. It’s not because I’m lying or because I don’t want to talk about it. Trust me, I really do want to talk. I just only want to talk to someone whose going to listen and be on my side no matter what.

4) Then there’s that random moment out of no where that I call, text and demand to be at your side and in your arms. I know it sounds crazy, irrational and ridiculous considering how busy, tired or frustrated you may be; but it is in those moments where I just need you there. I admit that I’m not dying or hurt in any way, but it almost feels like something is missing from my being. And the only way it can be fixed is by being with you. This does NOT make me clingy or needy. I just want to be with you. Take it as a compliment that without you in my world, I can feel like bull.

5) Not only can I be random in needing your physical attention but I can also just be random PERIOD. First thing in the morning, I can be incredibly happy and filled with smiles. It almost looks like I’m some cheerleader for the morning wake up call. But then somehow, within an hour, the curve of my mouth drops and I can look like the saddest puppy in a box. Yet that’s not the end of it! Give it an hour or two and I’ll be back on my feet ready to rock and roll, only to swiftly get angry then hurt then sad and needy before I’m back to where I was earlier in the day. At this point, let’s say I woke up at 9 A.M., it’s only lunch and I’ve already gone through enough feels to last a guy a month or two. It is so exhausting and draining. I personally don’t look forward to those days any more than you do. But hey, sometimes you just have to ride it out and be patient with me. I’ll find my way back to being the old me. My emotions are just on a temporary fritz.

6) Don’t let me forget the times where I’ve called you out and said that you hardly do anything romantic for me! Though, at times, you seriously don’t do ANYTHING… But hey, I’m just in a current stage where I need some attention. Be careful though! If you do give me something that very day or within a couple days after I’ve said this, then be warned that I will probably blame you for “doing it only because I said it and so it is not sincere”.

7) Now, this may be confusing to understand because it is not an emotion per say but it is an emotional moment for me. When I randomly appear to be so happy as to almost be annoying and pout when I’m ignored, DON’T you dare push me away! Let me enjoy my over enthused happiness with whatever activity I decide upon acting, whether it be waking you up smiling, laughing and covering you with my body in a sleepy hug and millions of kisses or nudging you like a puppy to have your arms around me and be content with you holding me close and stroking me. Whatever I choose to do, just let me be. At the end of the day, it’ll be to your benefit as well as mine.

8) Oh and if I ask a million and one questions that are ridiculous and obviously geared towards my emotions, please answer every single one of them. It hurts to be ignored. So you know that famous question of mine: why do you love me? or was it “how do you love me”? Either way, answer the question and the hundreds of others that follow.

9) On that note, if I’ve asked you a question a million times and you seriously think I should know the answer by heart by now, then I obviously do. It’s just that the feeling and thought of knowing is so much better when it is heard. Yeah, you may get sick and tired of repeating yourself. But just suck it up and humor me for those short brief moments.

Basically, I know my emotions can be crazy, irrational and ridiculous but please bare with me. Sometimes, I don’t even like this roller coaster but the thing is that I don’t have a choice. I have to wait in that line and go on that ride from time to time.

It’s possible to blame my monthly visitor; but it’s also just as likely to blame the very fact that at times I just need to go on that ride for some weird reason that my body and unconscious knows and is unwilling to warn me about.

So the next time you realize I’m being incredibly sensitive or overly emotional, don’t call me out on it. Join me on the ride and I can promise you that once it’s over, you will score huge points from me. There’s also almost a guarantee that our connection will become stronger than before simply because you listened to me and know what I need. (Although, I did have to take the time to give you this lovely road map of my emotional chaos.)

But hey! I’m experiencing one of those moments now. So buckle up and bare with me.

© 2015 Jessica Santos

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Clingy: The True Definition for Me

It is with my very mind that I speak but it is with my own true heart that I act. I am clingy and needy of your averting eyes but not because I need you. Do not begin to believe that you are the center of my world. But begin to know these very words I speak for they are honest and true far beyond any other:

With words, they often enter upon existence only to be left forgotten and abused. Yet with your assertive attention, my actions match what I say and it is then that these words take root.

So to those who dare announce of my constant demand for attention, I thank for taking note. You have either recognized this to be true or you take note that the physicality of presence is far more important to me than an imagined hint or assumption. It is not to say that I lack trust or belief but I prefer a constant, direct, straightforward affair between individuals in my life. Life is far too great to spend questioning every aspect; instead, it should be spent enjoying the opportunities that are brought forward.

(With this in mind, simply take note and not to heart of what I say because the fact that I’m sharing this means that I obviously do care to some degree.)

To extend on my thought, I could care less for your calming assuring voice through a phone. It is not what I want nor what I need. But a moment of touch, of caress, of contact holds deeper truth, deeper meaning. In your very presence, I see the answers I seek, I feel YOUR true assurance, not that of a phone call or of a ghostly voice that echoes in my head.

For with one’s voice, one can turn into either the greatest or worst actor/actress imaginable where both possibilities only lead to further questioning, doubt, confusion and especially frustration.

One may counter to be entirely honest with another. However, many see difficulty in expressing the absolute truth because even they do not fully understand or comprehend exactly what they feel. No one does and to say they do is a lie in and of itself. Emotions are that of a thousand masks on a Halloween night in which they are constantly morphing into another as the light source changes from moon to street lamp to sheathed window to darkness.

The best way to receive absolute honesty is to see with one’s own eyes the ultimate mask which is the “Feeler’s” face and actions. Only in complete physical presence can one see a tear shed, frustration thwarted and happiness elated.

(Please note, as we are all animals with senses, there is always a story one wishes to share even if it may be dull to one and relieving to another. It is best to take part in this natural form of humanity and bare witness to an individual’s advancement of understanding or confusion so that one may encourage or discourage a thought, process or idea before one’s private mind twists the story into a demon of its own.)

With this said, I avert my attention back to my original statement of declaring my “clinginess” and beg of you to conclude with me this lasting impression. I assert the truth that physical confrontation is best in dealing with the heart’s matters. Therefore, if I demand your presence, then take my request not in annoyance or frustration. Rather, be pleased that I wish to be with you because it only means that I desire for you to see my absolute truth in which I only show to those I deeply consider. For though I may toy with words to great lengths, my actions are my words greatest muse and it is there that one sees absolute truth.

© 2015 Jessica Santos